Waiting Here

I am here, sitting at my computer with nothing to say. I have all the time in the world today to post something and not a single thought crosses my mind.

I also have nothing to do so here I am, trying to to something. I was just plain lazy today and I'm very ashamed at myself for it. I didn't go to work today because I slept in and told my boss so. I'm embarrassed about it because I want to be better than that. I was going to say that it was because I expected more from myself, but as I started writing it I knew that it wasn't true. I expect very little of myself, but I want that to change. I've been working toward that for a long time now. I want to be the first one in and the last one out. That's who I strive to be. I'm afraid that in reality I am not meant for that path, that I'm not made of the "right stuff" to succeed.

People expect something of me. Since I was little the people I associate with have come to rely on me for reasons beyond my comprehension. It just always happens and it has always scared me. I'd forced myself into underachievement for may year to try and force their standards off of me. I've sabotaged more than a few relationships, telling myself that I'm not the person they thought I was (I'm still not sure on that one). The results were lasting, my work ethic declined and my social skill all but vanished. I got depressed and lost and lied, in that order. But in high school I decided to change all of that and here I am today, trying to see if I really am the person people think I am. Someone they can rely on. Someone they can look up to.

What kind of person do you gals strive to be? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Thanks for the talk and filling up the time. I'll try to do better next week. Ciao.

Also, Eureka and Warehouse 13 premieres tonight! \o/ Excited!